When there are just no words...

We are on spring break from school and boy, am I glad.  We had a great Easter as a family.  Everyone came to our home and we had a great lunch together, the grand babies hunted eggs in the yard and the dog only ate two of them!  We have a big family.  A loud family.  But I love them and am so grateful for them.  Especially since this spring season I have watched two families say goodbye to some really close family.  The first was a high school friend.  She lost her son almost two weeks ago now.  We went to church together for years.  Her son was the same age as my youngest daughter.  Just 29.  He died of a drug overdose.  There is no use in hiding it, covering up or excusing it away.  It is just so very sad.  His addiction was enormous and God took this boy home.  He accepted Jesus as his savior as a child and he loved the Lord.  He did.  At many times in his young life he was very active in the church and with his faith.  But wrong turns, wrong friends and wrong choices took him over.  A younger version of myself would have been harsh and judgmental on this tragedy.  But my older self is softer, more understanding and Praise Jesus....less condemning.  God took this boy home.  I gave his mama a t-shirt with his and all the other 2 -3 year old hand prints on it.  I used to teach this boy in our toddler class in church and had hung on tho this t-shirt I made for years only because my daughters' hand print was on it.  I pray it gives her comfort.  At the visitation she had a shirt of his wadded up in her hands and would hold it to her heart and occasionally smell it.  The shirt held his scent.  I remember smelling my own little girls hair.  their clothes, sheets....just whiffs of them.  She broke my heart.  There was nothing to say.  No words.  Nothing to really comfort her.  Or his father.  Sister.  Brother.  Grandparents.  Just tears.  He is free now.  No more addiction.  He's home.  The other was my dear friend Angie.  She kissed her husband and held his hand into the arms of Jesus just a couple of days ago.  He had brain cancer and it robbed her of her husband.  They were like my husband and me.  Second marriages.  Finding each other later in life so not a lifetime of memories.  But is there ever enough?  Even though we all knew his time was short and at the end we prayed for God to take him.  Suffering is so hard to watch when you love someone so deeply.  They had a wonderful celebration of life last night and my friend looked beautiful.  The stress on her face was almost gone.  Her husband is free now too.  Free of sickness, pain and disease.  Still, I have no words to really offer her.  Since I am basically selfish all I can think about is ....what if it was my child?  My husband?  I tell myself, "I couldn't live"...but in reality, I could.  God's perfect grace would abound.  But let's put it out there for all the world to read.....is that a grace I want to take part in?  No. Watching my Megan sob over this classmates casket was hard.  I sure don't want to hang over hers.  Seeing my friend turn into a widow before she is even 60 years old is hard.  I sure don't want to be one.  I'm not going to even pretend to understand God in these times.  He is too lofty and wise for the likes of me.  I am just grateful.  For the time I have with my husband, children, grandchildren and parents.  Just watching them run around leaves me with no words....just smiles.