When you are by yourself

We had a really good Teacher Appreciation Banquet last night at our church for the Sunday School teachers.  Good food, good fellowship.  We had some leftover food and my Sunday School class is having a Sunday lunch get-together after church on Sunday.  We just wrapped it up and saved it for that!  We do not waste good food in the south.  I showed sweet friend of mine where the leftovers were and the best way to reheat them.....I just can't help being the bossy tourguide....and she said, "You're coming...right?"  I told her no and she wondered why.  She is so sweet and I would never in a million years think she was not sincere when she said, "You aren't by yourself...you're with all of us!"  She knew coming to our class Christmas party by myself was a stretch but she didn't know I had already talked with another lady in our class who came to that by herself because her husband could not come.  I was covered with a buddy on that one!  When you are by yourself and especially a woman it is very hard to do things with groups.  Very.  You always arrive and get out of the car...alone.  You unload your car...alone.  You sit by yourself or you horn in on a couple.  These are not bad things they just....are.  When I came back from the Cleveland mission trip no one was there to pick me up or greet me.  It was late and I would never ask my kids to do that.  That is just silly.  One lady said her husband had tears in his eyes when he saw her.  I whispered in her ear.....don't take that for granted.  I am not by any means asking for sympathy.  I truly would not go back to my married life as it was before.  I was even lonelier and more alone then if that makes any sense.  But when you do everything by yourself there are limits.  It is really hard to explain too.  There are a few more single women in my SS Class and they know what I am talking about.  I have asked them.  Yes, we know we are included and yes, we know everyone really and truly wants us to come but....being a third or fifth wheel is...cumbersome.  Out of kilter.  In the way.  And just too hard.  As single women who were once married we see the glances wives give to spouses.  That secret language we know longer speak.  We see the rhythm of coupleness that we no longer have.  For some it is very, very hard because death is what has separated you from your husband.  For some others it was divorce.  But the situation itself is the same.  When you are at a gathering and you see people leaving together and you leave as an "untogether" it is super uncomfortable.  Not one person means for it to be that way either.  It just is.  As a woman you truly do not want all eyes upon you when you are by yourself.  Even though they are not.  I repeat, they are not.  You feel that way.  Is that Satan whispering in your (my) ear reminding you of your aloneness, your singleness?  Maybe.  Insecurities that are at times overwhelming?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I do know that when hard pressed and given a choice.  I will raise my hand in the "I am sorry, I can't come" line.  Every single time.  No pun intended.  Especially the older I get.  One of the hardest parts is arriving home....alone.  After a big get-together with lots of noise and laughing and talking and carrying on, to arrive to silence....well that is just too loud sometimes.  I am praying and praying very hard that God does bring someone into my life.  Just saying that is overwhelming to me but it is the truth and it is reality.  But until he does I am also praying that He helps me with my singleness.  My aloneness.  Notice I did not say loneliness.  I have lonely times but for the most part I am not lonely.  I was such a lonely wife when I was married it was unreal.  Now that was hard!  My life is very full and I do cherish times of being by myself.  I suppose I am being extra silly but some things are just hard to do and tough to tackle.