An Epic Check-Up

Well yesterday I went for my annual visit to the girly doctor.  Highlight of my day.  Like most women I detest going to this particular appointment in my life.  It is right up there with root canals, large family gatherings, or maybe having your nose hairs plucked out one by one.  To say the least ... torture.  If you know me at all you know that I am modest by nature and I am totally uncomfortable with talking to a man that I see once a year while I am in a shirt that is open in the front and comes to the bottom of my rib cage and then to have a crib sheet that barely covers the rest!  To top it off my dr. is a really nice man and outside of the office I could really carry on an intelligent conversation with him.  But while I am there....I tend to just babble.  So I had to make my appointment for after school.  3:30 in the afternoon.  We all know exactly what this means....you weigh MORE as the day goes on!!  So when I got there and checked in the first thing that happened was that my phone rings.  I answer it quickly and it is my friend Kelley.  I tell her I am at the (gynecologist) doctors' office.  Of course I am mortified that i said that out loud and of course she laughs hysterically.  Later she does say that she was thinking, "Is she being examined right now."  So not funny Kelley...so not funny!  I look around the waiting room and there is a very old lady with her daughter.  They call the older lady's name and her daughter takes her inside.  I think, "Do I want my daughter to take me to the girly doctor???...ummm    NO!"  I glance at another lady.  Her shoes match the trim on her dress and her purse too.  Pretty pearls...very classy.  Next lady down...kind of stiff, she moves very quickly.  She seems angry.  I heard her later question the nurses station as to why she has had to wait so long and the reply was that she is being worked in....I feel bad for her.  What a place to spend your afternoon. They call my name.  The nurse seems nice.  She asks me how tall I am.  My first response is, 5 10', to which she looks at me strangely.  I am obviously not that tall.  5 4' I mutter.  Step on the scales she says.  Before my foot even hits the scale I tell her that is afternoon and these scales are wrong.  I say that all very fast just like a run-on sentence.  She laughs and writes down the number that devil possessed scale said....did she not hear me!!!  Now if I was 5 10' I would be a very nice weight but I am not so this puts me in a more stressed mood.  We get to exam room 4 and she says,  "have a seat and lets take your blood pressure."  "Oh my that's a little high...I will recheck it after your exam honey,  I suppose you are a little stressed about being naked and all."  Honestly that is exactly what she said....just pass me the prescription for blood pressure meds because it ain't comin' down now.  Now comes the EPIC part.  That is the name of the new software system that all of our local hospitals and doctor offices are using.  So they link world wide and all your medical history is there for every single doctor to see and read.  Great.  First she asks me who my primary physician is because one is not listed.  I tell her that I am at my primary physicians office.  She asks me where I go when I am sick and I tell her that I am never really sick.  I have never had strep, bronchitis, the flu, ear infections, allergies, respiratory issues.  Nothing.  If I ever pick anything up it is a stomach virus that is gone in a day.  Wow, she says, that's great you are so healthy.  Yeah, I am as healthy as a horse and as big as one too I quip right back.  She laughs and finishes with the questions.  Do you smoke.  No.  Do you drink alcohol?  No.  Never???  No, never.  Do you take or do any illicit drugs?  What I ask?  Illicit drugs?  You mean illegal drugs?  Yes.  Uh no, not today.  Ha-ha she laughs.  You would be surprised she says how many patients confess to using illicit drugs.  Why just that morning a 62 year old lady fessed up to smoking pot every day.  I asked if she did for medicinal purposes.  The nurse said, "No!  The lady said she just like getting high!!"  Oh my stars!  Can you believe it??  62 years old and getting high.  What a world we live in today.  All this goes on your EPIC Chart for all the worlds medical society to see.  I find that a little disturbing.  She tells me to get undressed and hands me the two items to cover myself with and I reach on my purse and pull out a pair of socks.  She laughs as I tell her I am wearing those socks so I can tell myself I am not really naked and can feel better about this visit.  It might bring my blood pressure down a bit.  So my doctor comes in and a totally different nurse with him.  where is Nurse Nicey???  I liked her...we had a rapport.  Almost a friendship.  This one had a smile like the Penguin from Batman!!  Then those four little words came out of her mouth...."Scoot down a little."  I want my mommy.  My worst fears are going through my mind.  Just use your own imagination here.  Then amp it up to the 25th power.  I just know he is either going to burst out laughing or say, "What in the world is going on here???"  My mind is going a thousand different directions.  After the exam he asks if I have any questions.  No, I mutter.  In the past I have had questions and I just write them down and hand him the paper.  I have no clue why I turn into a complete zombie idiot at this appointment but I do.  I thank the Lord for my good health and for good results because He knows how I stress over the dumbest things.  EPIC...the name fits well.