diary of a mad white woman???

I am mad.  Not mad as in angry but mad as in crazy-nuts.  This wedding is looming fast and I still have four door banners to make and four strands of 6 foot garland to hot glue a bazillion flowers onto!  But...it will get done because Lord knows I work best under extreme pressure and right now I am a pressure cooker set on a high.

Right now though,  I want to slow down and tell you what is running through my mind and my emotions.  I am watching my baby pack her winter clothes and take them to her new home.  I am listening to her excited conversations with friends, with her sister and with her fiance'.  She is so nervous and excited.  But she is also having a hard time.  We have this bond, she and I.  When her sister got married I cried my eyes out and I thought I would never recover.  But I did have Megan.  That was at the worst time of my life after Erica got married.  The worst.  But through it all Megan and I got really close.  She told me yesterday that I was her biggest fan.  And I am.  I have always been close to my girls but in the last few years we have really bonded and became friends too.  I am going to miss Megan something fierce.  She just fills up the house with noise and laughter and life.  I remember holding her all alone in the hospital after she was born and telling her I loved her and watching those bright eyes look into mine and we just clicked.  She was my needy one, my clingy one, my testy one.  My fit-pitcher, screamer, 500 questions a day asker, my mess maker....she was mine.  Where Erica was easy, sweet tempered and even keeled all the time.  Megan was a full gamut of every emotion ever thought of rolled into one little green-eyed brown-headed girl.  Watching her grow and make friends and slowly break away was fun.  She is an amazing girl.  So funny and sweet.  Don't get me wrong she gave me plenty of troubles but she helped me to grow as a parent and taught me how to pray harder than I ever had before.  Later in her life she asked me how in the world I always caught her when she was up to "no good".  I told her..."I pray that way, baby."  Watching Erica become a beautiful young bride was a pleasure.  She was just a vision that day.  She took my breath away.  Watching her as a young mam is equally wonderful.  She is such a good mama to my grandgirls.  When I watch Megan walk down the aisle to Thad to become his wife I know she will be beautiful.  She practically glows right now with love and anticipation.  I am going to miss this girl.  I am sobbing right now.  I wish my kids could just stay little forever and let me take care of them from now on...but that is not how God intends for our lives to be.  He wants us to grow up and leave our homes and start new homes with Him in the center.  Thad and Megan have stated many times that they want God in the center of their home and their lives.  Baby, I am praying that way.  When this wedding is over and the last centerpiece is taken apart and the last napkin is tossed I am sure I will cry my eyes out again.  I will miss her.  But it is time for her to fly away and start her own nest.  I am a mad white woman.  I am gripping my way through these last days with her smiling when I feel like crying.  Laughing when I feel like throwing my body down on the floor and weeping my head off.  So, come Saturday I will smile and greet people and smile some more.  I will shed some tears but I will smile through them.  I will hide in a bathroom stall and do the ugly cry ( you know the one) but I will exit the stall with a smile.  That is what mad women do.  We smile through the tears, through the pain, through it all.  I know that God will give me the grace I need on Saturday to get through this wedding....with a smile.  One that isn't fake but real.  A smile for my baby.  Come Sunday I won't be a mad white woman.  A sad one, but with a deep sense of gratefulness and joy that comes from God that both my girls have Godly, supportive husbands who love them.  Who truly care for them.  I thank the Lord for both of them.  Sorry if this seems rambling but my feelings are all over the place.  Now I will go back to working on this wedding while I wipe a tear or two away.