Tuesday, April 30, 2013
This has been a very stormy time for me and for people I know and love. My friend Tracy suddenly lost her mom. My friend Kelley is watching her mom spiral down into the depths of dementia. My friend Katie's daughter Sarah lost her newborn baby this morning to crib death. Just a few days old. I have sobbed over this a zillion times today. My friend Terri has a sweet 23 month old grandaughter who has had two unexplained seizures in the last couple of months. Super-scary. I have friends who are going through cancer. whose husbands are having health crisis. Friends who are dealing with intense depression. Financial woes that are staggering. Then there are some whose problems are not as severe but are still storms that are waging their toll. This past Saturday Megan and I painted in her house for twelve hours straight. At one point I was in the dining room and she was in a bedroom when I was overcome by grief and tears. I cried so hard I just knew she would hear me. She is really getting married in a few months. That house will be her home now. And the most devastating blow......i will be all by myself for real. I am not afraid to be alone. But I would be a liar if I said that I didn't fear always to be alone. For most of my marriage I was very, very lonely. For many different reasons that really don't matter anymore. I can say that I am honestly not lonely anymore. Funny??? Huh?? But I do not really want to be alone for the next thirty or so years. I am going to miss Megan like crazy but it is time for her to move on and grow up and into this new part of life. I miss Erica too but she has just blossomed into domestic life and for that I am very proud and happy to witness. This storm I am battling is small compared to others but it is still a storm for me. I, for one, am ready for some quiet weather in my life. I know when that does come another storm is on the horizon. This world is not my home and the storms only prove that. When it is smooth sailing all the time I am comfortable here. Too comfortable with this world....a place that scripture says is not my home. A blessed assurance is that there are no storms in heaven. My real home.