my babies

my babies

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Somthing I've quit doing...

This whole downhill side to midlife is harrowing to say the least.  Menopause aside...I have quit doing something.  Sleeping.  I never sleep through a night anymore.  Never.  Ever.  It is not insomnia.  Because I can fall asleep and stay asleep and take a nap and all the things that kitty cat around sleep.  I just can't make it in long stretches.  I got up Friday morning at ...ready for this...2:11 in the morning people.  Morning.  Awake for the day.  I would love to say that I make all this extra time productive.  But I don't.  I got up this morning at around 5'ish.  It is Saturday for Pete's sake.  I have cut out coffee after lunch.  It is my only caffeine intake.  I am sipping on a heavenly cup right now.  With all this sleep-lack I am having I have have found out a few things.  I am tired...all the time.  I am irritable.  I am weepy over the dopiest things.  I have a very short fuse.  I don't like this.  These feelings and emotions are not fun or are they productive.  I thought at first this was all part of menopause.  But now I think it is that plus old fashioned stress mixed in the pile.  The past few years have been rough on me.  Very rough.  I like to huddle all my problems up under me like a big chicken but I am thinking this mama hen needs to fluff her feathers out and shake a few things out of my nest.  Not people mind you but things.  Issues that do not matter.  For one, the stresses with my job.  I am just going to start doing my job at work and let all else fall by the wayside.  Second, the things I cannot change about people.  I want so badly for others to care as deeply as I do about things and people.  they don't and I can't make them.  My friend Tracy likens this to tending her own garden.  She and I could run a small commune of gardens.  Gardens we would get to run!!!  We are movers and two.  But I (and she) have both found out that this world does not care for this kind of thing.  Too bad, we are pretty good at it.  I need to concentrate on my own family of daughters, parents, grand daughters, close friends and take care of them.  Not take over their lives but be there for them way more than I am and have been.  I am spread too thin and it shows.  Taking off these burdens is going to be hard.  Handing them over to God will be even harder.  I do not like that.  Awful to say but honest.  I am an Israelite at heart and I long to return to Egypt.  Freedom in Christ is not an easy road.  Captivity and bondage are the easy paths that we Christians really like.  I think maybe God has me waking up to spend time with Him that at this season of my life I desperately need.  To listen and be still and to allow Him to sing over me.  To really Him.

1 comment:

Missy said...

So sadly true that bondage and captivity are the norm for even Christians. It's our default mode, I guess.

I hope things are going well and you're sleeping better!